When you enlist someone like Chelsea Handler to host the show, hold on tight because you know you’re in for a wild ride. She appeared on stage in all her glory dressed in a Lady Gaga regalia with a house on top of her head while releasing white doves from her pikachu. Before launching into her emcee duties, she made sure the audience knew that she was the first woman to host the VMA’s in the last 16 years. Without skipping a beat, she began a series of off-color jokes that included encouraging everyone to be on their worst behavior, telling them to feel free to break out weapons, and asking the audience to help her “turn this mother out.” Finally, she ended with a little secret that, while sobering up for a week preparing for the show, she was now “high as a kite.” MTV is about as low brow as it gets and we would expect nothing less than a full blown effort from Ms. Handler as a first time host, but as far as awards shows go, this one really takes the cake! Here are our top honors for most crass with a couple of nods to most class thrown in for good measure.
1. The Cast of The Jersey Shore. Only on MTV, would the “charming and sophisticated” (not!) cast whose claim to fame is GTL, tasteless outfits and swearing like truck drivers, be invited up on stage to present an award from a hot tub.
2. Lady Gaga. Her outfits were so outrageous that it required four discharged soldiers from the military to keep her from toppling over. They included an Alexander McQueen with lobster claw heels
and matching headdress, a black Armani dominatrix ensemble, and a “meat dress” with accompanying purse made by Franc Fernandez. The meat dress was probably the most offensive, especially to fans of P.E.T.A.3. The Cast of Jackass 3D. The shock factor started early in the show when one of the cast members of the movie dressed in a mint green tux decided to strip to his white thong to present the award for Best Rock Video. More gratuitous garbage in our opinion.
4. Katy Perry. On the red carpet she decided to flip the photogs the Russell Brand (he was last year’s host) bird. She had his likeness painted on her nails and posed giving the finger. Later on in the evening when presenting an award with Nicki Minaj, she commented about the award statue as being stiff and intimated that Nicki should take one home for some fun! Classy, Miss California Gurl!
5. Ciara’s Performance with N.E.R.D. An interesting partnership with car maker Chevrolet had Ciara bumping and grinding and bending almost backwards in half into a table top position. Not a very becoming position for a lady.
6. Chelsea Handler. Famous quotes from the host. “They are backstage stapling their balls to each other”. She used this joke two times we think by accident to the cast of Jackass as well as Glee! “I’d like to take a ride home on your face” when referring to “True Blood” star Joe Manganiello. “Get your tongues ready because I want those tongues shoved in places they’re not supposed to be.” Sage advice dispensed to the audience.
7. Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber. Ms. Kardashian did her best Mrs. Robinson trying to play with the made up crush on teenage heartthrob Justin Beiber, but her attempt was awkward at best. The Beib’s actually put in a really good performance. All of the sudden he’s all grown up and seems to have taken some recent lessons in smooth from his mentor and employer, Usher. Loved the drum solo at the end!!
8. Kanye’s Closing Performance. The moment everyone was waiting for fell surprisingly flat and remarkably uncomfortable. There was no formal apology or words of regret, instead Mr. West, in typical fashion, performed an ego driven song dedicated to his mother that touched upon his past behavior with embarrassing lyrics in the hook that included, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags/ Let’s have a toast for the a–holes/ Let’s have a toast for scumbags.” Thoughtful? Compelling? No, just plain ridiculous.
9. Taylor Swift’s Ode to Innocence. Thank goodness the VMA’s had the good sense to allow Ms. Swift her just due by allowing her one of the few sane musical performances. She appeared in perfect hair and red lips on a simple stage, just her and her guitar to sing lyrics that wound up revealing the whole debacle between she and Mr. West at last year’s VMA’s. Ms. Swift handled this song and herself with grace and dignity rising way above the fray almost touching the clouds and stole the show in our opinion.
10. Florence & the Machine in Goddess-like Fashion. We had no prior knowledge of this band before the VMA’s, but were really impressed by the lead singer’s incredible stage presence and command of the material. She was a real live goddess on stage and handled herself beautifully belting out good lyrics while skipping barefoot around the stage. It reminded us of a combination between Jefferson Starship and Kate Bush.
